About 1.5 months ago my (almost) ex-husband moved out of our apartment. From an outsider's perspective, we seemed perfect. We were affectionate in public and lovey-dovey on the internet, but behind closed doors it didn't feel the same.
When you get married, you never even consider the option of divorce. You genuinely feel like the person you are saying "I do" to will be your forever in both sickness and in health. Let me tell you, the reality check of an unhappy marriage hit me hard and living in a toxic household no longer became an option for me.
I respected myself way too much to stay in a relationship where my boundaries were not honored. I felt sick living in an environment that I help other women get out of; I felt like an absolute fraud. 1.5 months ago I asked him to leave and this was the greatest act of self-love I have ever given to myself.
In complete vulnerability and truth I am going to tell you how I am (which is something I rarely let people that aren't in my very close circle in on).
When I first came home to an empty apartment after he had moved out, I felt euphoric. I was lighter, I was dripping with golden freedom, living alone felt absolutely orgasmic. This high feeling lasted approximately 5 weeks.
Now, I'm sitting here in front of my computer 6 weeks later and I definitely don't feel that same way anymore. To put it bluntly, I am fucking sad. The adrenaline of ending a marriage has worn off and I am left with bitterness.
I feel less inspired to work, create, and play. I feel shorter, snappier, and way bitchier. I wake up some mornings and feel so heavy, icky and tired.
Even though right now I don't feel like a boss ass bitch, I have never once regretted my decision on walking away from a relationship that didn't feel like a full body yes.
Even in the moments filled with pain and anger, I am still so proud of myself for holding myself accountable for my boundaries.
I am navigating this divorce with all of the tools that I teach my Sacred Cycle Support clients and damn does that feel good.
Here is the main idea: Life is cyclic. There is both peaks of euphoria and depths of grief. It is normal and healthy to explore of all these things.
The secret to getting a divorce without losing yourself is: Loving yourself throughout all of the phases of your feelings.